The three phases of me:
I remember how I always wanted to be a guy back then, since a lot of things I enjoyed doing at that time were considered as things that “young ladies” shouldn’t do, or so my parents and relatives tell me. They literally just tried to change me into being the girly-est girl possible throughout my childhood but no, I didn’t like it at all.
Instead, I rebelled. I learnt how to walk like a guy instead of the way girls would walk. I had no lady like posture, nor would I cross my legs over or close them completely shut because of my habit of imitating the ways my dad and any other guy I saw would sit. Then even hearing excuses about sports and how gender applies to sports? How I was told that football (soccer) was a MALE sport and not a FEMALE sport. Now isn’t that just ridiculous? And then when I got into playing the drums, they told me that it was a very masculine instrument. The same with the electric guitar as well.
Okay so sure we see more men playing those instruments but hell I don’t think there’s such a thing as a masculine musical instrument????
Honestly, I really hated how people restricted me with what I wanted to do.
I used to hang out with boys almost daily, and then chilling at their places till late at night when all we did was probably play video games, basket ball, billiard, and even jam out to music in their basement. Surely there were times when I hung out with girls, and most of these girls knew how I lived my life. They know I prefer wearing male clothing, and back in sixth grade, I remembered that a lot of people were just blatantly shocked when they saw me wearing what was merely a skirt and a blouse. That ain’t all too feminine either, but woah she’s actually wearing a skirt!
The thing is that I was way more comfortable with wearing shorts that covered most of my thighs. No it wasn’t because I grew up fat or whatever, but it was coz It just felt so uncomfortable to expose any skin. Sure a lot of girls like wearing tank tops and shorts but there are girls that just don’t like showing skin, y’know? I even know big-bodied girls who are just comfortable wearing shorts and a sports bra around or just shorts with a really tight shirt. I like comfort, and in my opinion, male clothing was way more comfortable than female clothing.
Then middle school hit me, and just from the school uniform I wore showed that hell, I can’t deny that I have to eventually wear skirts almost every single day. ‘Course I’d wear shorts underneath coz I’ was really uncomfortable with wearing skirts at that time.
I began to see a change within my friends and the people surrounding us. My female friends began to embrace their much more feminine side rather than sticking to their usual basket ball shorts with a t-shirt. You could say that peer pressure began to make me re-think and look at myself.
I questioned myself then. Do I really not give a shit? Am I really that confident? Is it RIGHT for me to wear these clothes?
So when I moved schools in 8th grade, I started to embrace that femininity, at the least just a bit of it. Honestly, I was REALLY uncomfortable with it at first but then some of my friends started complimenting how I actually looked much better like that. Sure it boosted my confidence a bit, but then I felt so damn limited with the things I could do.
That was until I actually did basket ball in 8th grade and I was one of the only two girls that went to basket ball practice. The coach knew me personally, since I’ve met him before in my younger days, and he treated me just the same. He didn’t put me into an exception with the other boys in the team who were all much taller and older than me. I was so glad that I got to be trained like that at that time before something terrible happened that summer that didn’t allow me to play basket ball as frequently as possible anymore.
Then one night after practice, it kind of just hit me how I can actually still keep my masculinity and still be feminine. I guess I was just afraid of losing myself, and what I loved doing most.
Though when I was younger, a relative pointed out that if I wanted to be a guy so badly, why didn’t I just cut my hair? And today I realise why, and I’m so glad that the term “gender fluidity” exists. Sure, I will remain biologically as a girl, and there will be times that I would much rather prefer being masculine, but then I’ll definitely have my other times where I would wholeheartedly embrace my feminine side.
Just like today, but then that muse happened within an hour so I literally just wasted my limited amount of make up for nothing. Oops o:
So 10 AM, I felt like a chick, but by 11 AM I felt manly as fuck.